Holy Crap, I (almost) have a 5 year old

"To Zion" is playing, it must be the night before one of my children's birthdays.  Jack's, to be exact.  He is the reason I love this song like I do.  It just speaks to me.

It's 10:25pm.  I just spent 45 minutes looking through pictures for this post.  In those 45 minutes, I relived the past 5 years of my boys life, the past 5 years of MY life as his Mom.  What a blur.  What an amazingly crazy, eventful, amazing blur.

I also revisited my birth story.  I was going to repost it, but I decided to keep that to myself.  I am going to share the closing paragraph, though.  I feel it sums everything I felt that day, and what I feel when I think about that day, and my life since.

39 weeks 2 days, vanishing twin syndrome, whooping cough, the flu, cysts on my ovaries, cysts on the baby's brain (which are GONE, btw), high white blood counts, unexplained pain, a couple of hospital admissions, spotting, terrible morning sickness (all day sickness), 21 hours of labor, 2 hours of pushing, reactions to drugs, a c-section, and countless other problems and complications...and it was finally all over. I'm a Mommy now. I have my Squid. My Jack. My son. I always thought it was bullshit when women said that when you first see your baby, you forget about all you've been through immediately and you fall in love with your child. Well, I've learned, it's not bullshit. It's the truth. I'm in love. So in love. It's a undescribable love. The most amazing love I've ever felt. 

Thank you Jack. You've made me whole. You've allowed me to finally realize the meaning of complete, and total selfless love. You've allowed me to finally see how strong I am. We've been through alot together and we will be through so much more. I'll hold you up if you hold me up, okay? I love you.

 The funny thing about birthdays is that they come every year.  I know it's coming, it's inevitable, but I can't help but feel caught off guard, somehow.  How my 'baby' is just a few hours away from being 5 is beyond me, and if I'm being honest, I've been emo about it all day.

Jack's 5 year well visit is the day after his birthday, so I don't have measurements and all of that jazz quite yet, but really who cares?  He's perfect.  No really, I said so.  

Okay, alright, he's not perfect, and that's okay.  He is amazing though.  He's just such a cool kid.  He's taught me so much more than I think I've taught him.  He's a great helper, a terrific big brother.  He's a joy.  He's super smart, and SO funny.  He loves to cuddle and 'snuggle' and isn't shy with the "I love yous".  Even on the worst day, I can pick at least one moment where he makes me smile, or laugh, or makes me so proud.  Every night, I can say, "God, I love that kid."  Every day is an adventure with Jack, and he keeps my life very interesting.

I don't know what I've done in life to deserve such an amazing son.  He's such a terrific 'first born'.  He's very much a leader and takes being "the biggest brother" very seriously.

No, life isn't always sunshine and puppy dogs, I will always admit to that.  But, it's close.  It's damn close.  And he's why.  He's my joy.  Hes my boy.  I love him with every fiber of my being.  I'm so thrilled that he chose ME to be his mother.  ME.  He has made me the person I am today, and for that, Jack, I thank you.

Jack, when you were a baby, this was 'our' song.  It would come on at 4am and you would get so excited.  You recognized it in the first few notes, and you would "sing" along.  I sang the words to you then, and I sing them to you now, and I mean them every time.

Okay, this is getting long.  I think I'll do the pictures in a different post.  Jack, I just want to say that I love you, and that you are an amazing little boy.  You make me smile. You are my 'son'shine. And, as always...

"And I thank you for choosin' meTo come through unto life to beA beautiful reflection of his grace

See I know that a gift so great

Is only one God could createAnd I'm reminded every time I see your face"
I love you, Jack William.