Weight, what's up?

I was never a skinny person.  Never will be.  I don't even particularly WANT to be.  I just don't want to be what I am right now.  Oh, fat.  That's what I am right now. The people closest to me will say, "Oh, you're not fat!" or "Oh, stop!"  No, really.  FAT.  It happens!  I had 4 kids in 5 years, and each time I got pregnant, I gained more and more, bringing my "all time highest weight" up higher and higher.  It happens.  I know this.

I feel like I've written this type of entry before.  "This is it, this is MY time, it's ALL ABOUT ME!", I write.  So, I find my gimmick (more on that in a minute) and I swear "this is it, things are going to change" and I do it, stick with it, have a little success, and either a) I "celebrate" my success with cake, and never stop celebrating or b) I get pregnant.  Counter-productive, much?

This time is different.  I can't say I won't have a piece of cake...I mean, come one!  Who doesn't like cake? or cookies?  or rice crispy treats? or...oh, sorry.  I was daydreaming.  But, anyway.  Since we know Alex is our last, I don't have that excuse anymore.  So, it's different.  It will be different.  It has to be different.

I seem to fall prey to gimmicks.  I did good ol' Weight Watchers.  Not for me.  Did the shakes.  No, thank you.  Counted calories.  Too stressful.  My 'gimmick' this time is to eat clean.  But, it's not really a gimmick, it's a lifestyle change.  I just started and I haven't lost a damn ounce, but I'm sticking with it. No, I don't eat clean all day, every day, but I'd say I'm at about 75%, and that's a good start.  But, diet alone won't help.  I know that.  You know that.  Let's not fool ourselves.

There is this thing, it's called exercise.  Apparently, people willingly jump up and down, and sweat and make their bodies contort in ways that just aren't natural.  Oh, and it hurts.  Apparently, that means you're doing it right?  Dumb.  So, I decided I'm going to exercise.  Zumba is great, but it kills my knees. Yoga is great, but it doesn't do what I want it to do.  So, I said to myself, "Self, if you want to exercise, you may as well really exercise."

Enter, Insanity.

Yup, I'm doing Insanity.  It's scary.  It's hard.  It SUCKS.  But I LOVE IT.  No, I don't do it all.  I physically can't do a push-up to save my damn life, but I try.  And I will continue to try.  I will continue to try for my children.  They deserve a healthy mother.  I will continue to try for my husband who deserves a wife who will be around for a hell of a lot more time.  But most importantly, I will continue to try...and sweat...and hate Shaun T...and curse at him every minute....for me.  Yup, for me.

There are women who 'embrace' their larger bodies, and I love them for that.  I admire them, even.  I wish I could, but I can't.  I long to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. That's a goal of mine.  Another goal is to be able to jog.  Another goal is to be able to jog the Colon Cancer 4 mile next year.  These are all lofty goals.  But, if I do what I want to do, and just keep trying, I thin they will be attainable.  At least I hope so!

So, here starts the beginning of my journey.  I don't think for a second that it will be easy, or fun, I'm not delusional.  But, I do think it will be productive and that is what it needs to be.

Here we go.  Who is with me?!